I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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