were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
