My hand turned me down
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
