I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
