just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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