my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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