Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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