I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
