Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
