when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize