If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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