i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
