we have pet lesbian snakes
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
