You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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