do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
