My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
