I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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