If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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