Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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