she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
