I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize