you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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