Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
