The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize