I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Randomize
