Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
So squirting runs in the family.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
