At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
