Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
