Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
