im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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