I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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