so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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