Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
