i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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