just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
