I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
