Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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