I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
