don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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