The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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