Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
