You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize