So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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