I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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