I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
