Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
