After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize