This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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