My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Randomize
