Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
