I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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