im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
