Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Randomize
