At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
