i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
